Downton Abbey Celebrates Earth Day
The entire house gathers in the main hall for an announcement from Mr. Crawley.
MR CRAWLEY: Everyone, the Queen has called on Downton Abbey to host a celebration for the first ever Earth Day this Thursday.
DAISY: Earth?? What, you mean like dirt??
MRS PATMORE: Daisy! Quiet!
LADY MARY: Father, what do you mean by an Earth Day? Did her majesty send a letter?
MR CRAWLEY: Yes. [He shows everyone his very important letter.] And it only says that “Downton Abbey is hereby called upon to celebrate the day that shall be known as Earth Day, this Thursday the twenty second of April.”
MRS CRAWLEY: Well, I think it sounds just wonderful. We all could use a reminder of the land that Downton Abbey sits on, and I could always use a distraction to forget the time my husband cheated on me with a maid.
MR. CARSON: Shall we polish the silver then, my Lord?
MR CRAWLEY: No silver, Carson. This occasion must be as dirt covered as possible.
ALFRED (aside): You’ll do fine then, Thomas.
THOMAS (aside): Don’t worry, I’ve already copyrighted the term Earth Day and invested all my bitcoin into renewable energy.
DAISY: What?
THOMAS: You’ll see.
EDITH: I can write an article about why we have to be reminded of the Earth in a newspaper column. I manage a newspaper, did you know that? In fact, I have to go to London right now. For my newspaper.
Edith leaves.
VIOLET CRAWLEY: When are we going to tell her that the only people who subscribe to her damn newspaper are the people standing in this room?
ANNA: I had an Earth Day once. It was very pretty, but then it got ruined by a horse shitting all over the carpet.
MRS HUGHES: A horse indoors? What kind of occasion is this?
MR CRAWLEY: No, Anna’s quite right. All the horses will be brought indoors, and all the humans outside. The pigs can come in, too.
MRS CRAWLEY: That sounds marvelous.
MAID WHO ONLY APPEARS FOR TWO EPISODES: Well, I’m going to try and ruin everything!
MRS HUGHES: Don’t worry, my Lady. We’ll have her fired between 10–95 minutes from now.
MR CARSON: What else does Earth Day call for, my Lord?
MR CRAWLEY: Well, I’m also going to use the day to announce a new mandatory recycling program for the village.
MRS PATMORE: What?! These newfangled modern traditions, how are we going to prepare lunch when there are pigs running around the house and now we have to do everything on bicycles!?
MR BATES: I think his Lordship means that we just use the things we need, and try to find uses for things we’d otherwise throw away. I learned about this in prison.
MRS PATMORE: But we already don’t throw anything away! What do you think this is, 1952?
MARY: We have to embrace the things that will bring Downton into the twentieth century. We have to keep this house moving forward. Otherwise we’ll have to fire all our staff and eat all the pigs.
VIOLET CRAWLEY: As long as it’s not the opposite.
MR CRAWLEY: Quite right, Mary. Now, everyone, get to work before the Queen announces Labour Day next week.
END.
